BPD & Relationships continued..

Following on from my previous post, I thought i would now explain how i handle friendships and BPD.

This is the one thing i’ve always struggled with, as i get extremely jealous.

I only have a small circle of friends, who all know i struggle with mental health issues. I am very lucky to have such supportive friends.

It takes me a long time to become friends with someone, i have to work them out first and see what type of personality they have. It takes me a few months to open up but when i do, i would say that i am a good friend although i am brutally honest!

I am a very jealous person when it comes to friendships, this is a huge issue that i’m trying to work through, but can’t seem to get past. If i get left out or I see my friends out with other friends, I get very upset and this causes me to split on my friends and isolate myself for a few weeks, make no contact with them and basically drop them from my life for a few weeks until I’m over it.

I’ve currently come out of a friend group, as it was too much for me. There was four of us in the group and i really struggled when they would make plans when i wasn’t around or do things without me. I would get so jealous, it hurt me.

I think part of this jealousy is definitely my huge fear of being abandoned. As soon as i see a sign of being forgotten or left out, I drop off the face of the earth, so that i have the power.

When i was in high school, I was in a friendship group, there was four of us. When i became mentally unwell around the age of 14, they just moved on without me. I used to have to watch them having fun and doing everything without me, right under my nose. This was so so painful and i think this is why my jealousy gets so bad now, because i don’t ever want to go through that again.

I think it’s hard when people don’t think the way you do or feel everything as intensely as you do. Feeling abandoned and alone are the most painful feelings for me.

Relationships and BPD

Relationships can be extremely hard to maintain when suffering with BPD, I thought I would share my experience.

I am in a 4 year relationship, it’s gotten a lot easier with time. It was super hard at the start, getting used to having someone else have hold of your feelings and the ups and downs. Pulling someone else into your world is hard too. I would say the first year was terrible, a lot of extremes from one to another, bad bad jealousy. I used to cry and scream when he went on nights out or even out with friends. I just felt so unsafe. One minute I was all over him, the next I was questioning whether I even liked him. Date nights were hard, I didn’t like going out in public and would get extremely anxious around his family and friends too. He didn’t understand my Suicidal thoughts and self harming in the slightest.

Trying to explain Borderline Personality Disorder to someone who has no idea even how anxiety feels is so so hard. It takes months to understand. I can’t even imagine what he dealt with at the start.

Once he began to understand and I fell in love with him, I decided I didn’t need meds anymore. I went cold turkey off Sertraline. It was horrendous. When he went out with friends, he used to have to come home early because I was suicidal or having panic attacks. Going back on Sertraline was the best decision I’ve ever made. I wouldn’t be here right now.

Once I was back on Sertraline, our relationship became better than ever. We took a holiday to Benidorm and we had so much fun! We went out drinking, I wasn’t too anxious to leave the hotel, it changed us, that holiday. We had so much fun together, we became best friends. Don’t get me wrong – I still have very bad days, but he’s there by my side every step of the way.