BPD & Relationships continued..

Following on from my previous post, I thought i would now explain how i handle friendships and BPD.

This is the one thing i’ve always struggled with, as i get extremely jealous.

I only have a small circle of friends, who all know i struggle with mental health issues. I am very lucky to have such supportive friends.

It takes me a long time to become friends with someone, i have to work them out first and see what type of personality they have. It takes me a few months to open up but when i do, i would say that i am a good friend although i am brutally honest!

I am a very jealous person when it comes to friendships, this is a huge issue that i’m trying to work through, but can’t seem to get past. If i get left out or I see my friends out with other friends, I get very upset and this causes me to split on my friends and isolate myself for a few weeks, make no contact with them and basically drop them from my life for a few weeks until I’m over it.

I’ve currently come out of a friend group, as it was too much for me. There was four of us in the group and i really struggled when they would make plans when i wasn’t around or do things without me. I would get so jealous, it hurt me.

I think part of this jealousy is definitely my huge fear of being abandoned. As soon as i see a sign of being forgotten or left out, I drop off the face of the earth, so that i have the power.

When i was in high school, I was in a friendship group, there was four of us. When i became mentally unwell around the age of 14, they just moved on without me. I used to have to watch them having fun and doing everything without me, right under my nose. This was so so painful and i think this is why my jealousy gets so bad now, because i don’t ever want to go through that again.

I think it’s hard when people don’t think the way you do or feel everything as intensely as you do. Feeling abandoned and alone are the most painful feelings for me.

Relationships and BPD

Relationships can be extremely hard to maintain when suffering with BPD, I thought I would share my experience.

I am in a 4 year relationship, it’s gotten a lot easier with time. It was super hard at the start, getting used to having someone else have hold of your feelings and the ups and downs. Pulling someone else into your world is hard too. I would say the first year was terrible, a lot of extremes from one to another, bad bad jealousy. I used to cry and scream when he went on nights out or even out with friends. I just felt so unsafe. One minute I was all over him, the next I was questioning whether I even liked him. Date nights were hard, I didn’t like going out in public and would get extremely anxious around his family and friends too. He didn’t understand my Suicidal thoughts and self harming in the slightest.

Trying to explain Borderline Personality Disorder to someone who has no idea even how anxiety feels is so so hard. It takes months to understand. I can’t even imagine what he dealt with at the start.

Once he began to understand and I fell in love with him, I decided I didn’t need meds anymore. I went cold turkey off Sertraline. It was horrendous. When he went out with friends, he used to have to come home early because I was suicidal or having panic attacks. Going back on Sertraline was the best decision I’ve ever made. I wouldn’t be here right now.

Once I was back on Sertraline, our relationship became better than ever. We took a holiday to Benidorm and we had so much fun! We went out drinking, I wasn’t too anxious to leave the hotel, it changed us, that holiday. We had so much fun together, we became best friends. Don’t get me wrong – I still have very bad days, but he’s there by my side every step of the way.

Little people give me hope

Some people think I’m crazy as I work full time whilst battling with my own brain. But the truth is, I couldn’t live without my job.

I work 40 hours a week Monday to Friday in a nursery as a supervisor. I’ve worked full time since I was 17 years old, it’s just the way I’ve been brought up.

I personally have to work full time to cover my rent, bills and life. There is no way I could cut my hours down and because of my title and responsibility at work, this is also not an option.

So, I manage a team of 8 ladies between the age of 18 and 62.. we look after children between the age of 2- preschool, we can take up to 49 children a day.. it’s hard work. It’s also extremely hard to try and control and manage 8 ladies.. it’s bitchy and can be a little like being back in high school.

The one thing I really struggle with most about working full time is getting up in the morning, especially if I’ve had a bad night. But at the same time, my job gives me purpose and seeing all those lil faces in the morning keeps me going.

Unfortunately, my managers aren’t very supportive of my mental health, they know I suffer from bad anxiety but that is all they know. I will keep it this way as it’s easier than trying to explain something that they would not understand.

Day to day, everything is different. I am a completely different person at work to what I am when I leave work. At work I am confident, I am silly, I am ok. But being all those things at work does have an affect on my life at home, as I hold everything in at work and then let it all out at home.

But, as my title says, little people give me hope.

He ruined my life.

My life was never the same after a night in the summer of 2013. I was locked in a house to be raped, I was fed stories of how I was going to be taken on a plane to move to turkey, I would mother his children (who were my god daughters) and I would never return. I was forced to sit on his lap, I was told what was going to happen to me.

He locked the door. I was locked in his house.

Luckily enough I managed to escape and I ran home before anything extremely damaging was done. But it doesn’t mean I wasn’t damaged. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared of the dark. It doesn’t mean I can be home alone.

He turned up at my house the next day demanding to see me, he rang me, he text me. He lived down the fucking road. His children were my god daughters, his girlfriend was my best friend.

The worst part of all – I still see him. I still see him in the street, I still hear about him.

I think maybe it’s time I finally spoke about this, time I finally reached out for help. He ruined my life.

What would you say to your 14 year old self?

I would tell my 14 year old self that your first love will hurt like hell. That it won’t be forever and as painful as it will be when it’s over, It’ll shape you into the person you are today. Don’t focus on that boy, focus on bettering yourself for the future and please please get your head down at school. Don’t follow the wrong crowd just to fit in, do your exams and look for the future.

Mum and Dad will be hard on you and strict, but it’s for the best. They know you more than anyone, they know and want what’s best for you.

Be strong. Be really strong. You will get hurt, get bullied and lose people close to you, you will grieve but everything will be ok. Get through it. Keep going. You are so young, your heart won’t always hurt like it does now.

Eat. Seriously, no restricting and stop lying to Mum & Dad about skipping meals. You don’t need to do this to yourself, you’re fine the way you are.

Don’t try too hard to make friends and be in with certain people, once you leave high school, everything changes. You realise the people you went to school with, your best friends, were only friends because you seen each other everyday. You will feel sad and lonely when you realise this, but there are so many amazing people about to walk into your life.

Just remember, you’re so young and naive, enjoy your teenage years, before you know it you’ll have to think about your future.

Mental Health Meds – my view

Hi guys! If you’re reading this then, thank you!

I thought my next post would be on my views about taking medication for mental illness and my own personal journey with meds.

I started my first course of antidepressants when i was around 17, this was fluoxetine. If i’m completely honest i cannot remember back to the age of 17, but i do know that coming off them by going cold turkey was the worst idea I’ve ever had.

I came off Fluoxetine after about 8 months, as i thought i was well enough to survive without them, mostly because my family and friends didn’t agree with meds and went by the whole “you can’t just put a plaster on it.. you need to actually deal with your issues”

Anyway, i ended up back at the doctors as i was extremely suicidal and low. I was put on Sertraline to help my low moods and PTSD (thats another blog post to come..) Anyway, i went on Sertraline and i began to see a slight improvement, after getting worse for the first few weeks. I continued taking Sertraline until about 4 months after getting into a serious relationship, this also because his views on meds weren’t great, he didn’t really understand. So, cold turkey again! Thought i would of learnt the first time around..

After coming off Sertaline by myself, it was a horrible horrible time of my life. I was having mental breakdowns at least once a week, panic attacks at night time and I just couldn’t get out of bed and i was losing all my friends. This went on for two and a half years.. two and a half fucking years. I tried meditation, journaling, you name it. But i just wasn’t getting any better. It got to the point where i was having mental breakdowns nearly daily and i thought – fuck this! Get me to the doctors ASAP.

I called my workplace and said I was in a bad way and needed to go to the doctors so i wouldn’t be in. I went to the doctors and explained everything that had been happening and he was surprised i’d survived! So i said Hi to sertraline again and took a full week off work to rest and get my body used to it. (i was so spaced out and drowsy!) I fully opened up to my friends about how much i had been struggling and they were all so supportive and still are now.

So here i am now, I have been back on meds for 4 months and i feel so much better. I honestly don’t think i would be alive now, if i hadn’t of gone to the doctors when i did. I am GRATEFUL for medication and i am not ASHAMED or EMBARRASSED to be taking meds to help me enjoy my life more than i did.