Stop feeling guilty for looking after yourself!

This is the most important and helpful thing i have learnt so far this year!

Until I started seeing my therapist in January, I really really struggled with winding down. I was constantly doing something and felt guilty for sitting and watching TV.

I used to spend my whole weekend cleaning our house top to bottom and going out, to the point where I was exhausted when Monday arrived. As i work full time, i felt as though i couldn’t relax at the weekend, this was wasting my time off in my eyes.

When i started seeing my therapist for pre DBT assessment she was shocked at the fact that i couldn’t sit still to watch TV. She talked about how important it is to wind down and find something calming to do that you enjoy. It’s as easy as that.. But i think i had to hear it off someone first before i could relax.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t spend all my time reading and relaxing, I still struggle, but I’m a lot better at enjoying time with myself now without feeling guilty.

I still clean at the weekend, but i just limit the time in which i give myself to do so. I’m finally starting to have stable hobbies for the first time EVER which include reading (a lot) and drawing.

Since i’ve started reading, my anxiety has been better to handle. I now spend my weekends at the library in peace, instead of pacing around my house!

I do struggle with watching tv, it has to be a series as if i know whats coming, i just get bored and can’t sit and watch, i lose interest super quick!

So please, schedule some time in your week for yourself, read a book, go for a walk, listen to some music, just do you. Put yourself first. At the end of the day, In order to get better, you must look after yourself x

My Self Care

Hello! I thought i’d come back and do a little post on what self care strategies i use to calm down and cope, whether its day to day or every now and again.

I really struggled with self care last year, i felt guilty for taking time to make myself feel better. I almost didn’t think i deserved to feel better, But since seeing my therapist i’ve learnt that you have to look after yourself! We give so much time and energy to making everyone else happy that we neglect ourselves.

First off – Social media break

I take a break from Facebook and instagram for a few weeks every two/three months. I get so consumed by wondering what everyone else is doing and comparing my life to theirs. Instagram isn’t real life. Please always remember that. You only ever see the best bits and we all have those. So yeah, i delete the apps off my phone and have a detox for a week or two!

Reading

This is a huge self care for me. I find it really hard to sit and watch a film, i think i just can’t fully commit to knowing i’ll have to sit down and focus on a film for so long, especially when i already know what’s going to happen. As for reading – I just get lost in a book. Everything else disappears and i can fully engross myself into the story, i love it! I read a few times a day now, Usually i sit somewhere quiet on my lunch break and read and also once i’m home i have a little read and then before i go to sleep. At the end of last year i joined a library, to save money.

Walk/going to the beach

Our beaches are my favourite places to go. There is nothing better for me than breathing in the fresh air, looking out at sea and collecting sea glass and shells. My ultimate favourite!

Skin care

I love a bit of skin care.. It’s especially a good idea to do a face mask before a shower, so you can’t change your mind about showering ! Although i do have Contact Dermatitis so i can’t just use any old face mask or cleanser! I have to use Dermalogica, which is amazing but super expensive. Although i have used a nip + fab face mask and they are amazing. I’m hoping i can switch to that brand and save myself a lot of money!

I do take a lot of pride in my skin and i do not wear make up unless i’m having a drink/it’s an occasion, this is just my personal preference.

Writing down your feelings

I used to really enjoy journalling but i think since i’ve been sharing so much on twitter, i don’t use it as much.

Music

This is a really good idea to take out and about with you though, especially if you’re anxious about going away, then you have your journal with you to write down how you’re feeling, it does help!

For me, music is a huge mood influencer. Even just stick the radio on if you’re feeling your mood begin to change. I’m not saying it’ll cure your moods, I’m just saying that you can’t beat a little bop around whilst listening to your favourite music.

BPD & Relationships continued..

Following on from my previous post, I thought i would now explain how i handle friendships and BPD.

This is the one thing i’ve always struggled with, as i get extremely jealous.

I only have a small circle of friends, who all know i struggle with mental health issues. I am very lucky to have such supportive friends.

It takes me a long time to become friends with someone, i have to work them out first and see what type of personality they have. It takes me a few months to open up but when i do, i would say that i am a good friend although i am brutally honest!

I am a very jealous person when it comes to friendships, this is a huge issue that i’m trying to work through, but can’t seem to get past. If i get left out or I see my friends out with other friends, I get very upset and this causes me to split on my friends and isolate myself for a few weeks, make no contact with them and basically drop them from my life for a few weeks until I’m over it.

I’ve currently come out of a friend group, as it was too much for me. There was four of us in the group and i really struggled when they would make plans when i wasn’t around or do things without me. I would get so jealous, it hurt me.

I think part of this jealousy is definitely my huge fear of being abandoned. As soon as i see a sign of being forgotten or left out, I drop off the face of the earth, so that i have the power.

When i was in high school, I was in a friendship group, there was four of us. When i became mentally unwell around the age of 14, they just moved on without me. I used to have to watch them having fun and doing everything without me, right under my nose. This was so so painful and i think this is why my jealousy gets so bad now, because i don’t ever want to go through that again.

I think it’s hard when people don’t think the way you do or feel everything as intensely as you do. Feeling abandoned and alone are the most painful feelings for me.

My Mental Health vs My Weight

I have ALWAYS struggled with my body image.

In 2015 I lost 2st 4lbs and I was my healthiest and since then I have balanced between a healthy weight for my height and age, I am currently 2st 6lbs heavier than 2015 and I hate it.

I am so so soooo uncomfortable in my own skin today. I say “today” because yesterday I looked in the mirror and thought “hell yeahhhh I am owning chunky yet funky” thank u BPD. However today, I am crawling with anger, I am so numb for letting myself get so big.

But what will I do to make myself feel better? Binge. Binge. Binge. This is my biggest problem. I feel like my whole life revolves around the next item of food to go in my mouth.

Plus the fact that I am wheat and cows milk intolerant yet still have both on a daily basis and then can’t get out of bed in the morning!

I don’t even know where to start, I feel like I’m too ashamed to go back to the gym yet because of what people will say.

It’s a vicious circle.

Grandparents are precious

So last night, i had a phone call off my dad to say that my Nan has passed away. Big tears immediately came as well as the feeling of my heart being crushed. I tried to stay strong on the phone, but the second I got off, I broke.

For the last year, I’ve been saying “I need to go over to Ireland to see Lal (my Nan)” but I’ve never booked it. The regret I feel today, hurts so so much. I urge all of you with grandparents/older family members or friends to go see them. You don’t know when your last time with them will be.

The guilt and regret I am feeling today for not going over to see her one last time is terribly painful. My heart is so empty and I feel so numb. I am really kicking myself. You don’t realise how precious time is, until it runs out. You never think it will, but the harsh reality is, that it does and it hurts like hell. So seriously, pick up the phone. Ring your loved ones. Tell them you love them. Go see them.

What would you say to your 14 year old self?

I would tell my 14 year old self that your first love will hurt like hell. That it won’t be forever and as painful as it will be when it’s over, It’ll shape you into the person you are today. Don’t focus on that boy, focus on bettering yourself for the future and please please get your head down at school. Don’t follow the wrong crowd just to fit in, do your exams and look for the future.

Mum and Dad will be hard on you and strict, but it’s for the best. They know you more than anyone, they know and want what’s best for you.

Be strong. Be really strong. You will get hurt, get bullied and lose people close to you, you will grieve but everything will be ok. Get through it. Keep going. You are so young, your heart won’t always hurt like it does now.

Eat. Seriously, no restricting and stop lying to Mum & Dad about skipping meals. You don’t need to do this to yourself, you’re fine the way you are.

Don’t try too hard to make friends and be in with certain people, once you leave high school, everything changes. You realise the people you went to school with, your best friends, were only friends because you seen each other everyday. You will feel sad and lonely when you realise this, but there are so many amazing people about to walk into your life.

Just remember, you’re so young and naive, enjoy your teenage years, before you know it you’ll have to think about your future.

Dealing with Anxiety

Hi guys! If you’re reading this, thank you!

So, for years and years i have struggled with anxiety but recently i have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to help myself grow. Anxiety is one of the most painful, crushing things to deal with, as I’m sure a lot of you know. It’s almost like you have to deal with it head on, to ever slightly move past it.

My anxiety ranges from not being able to leave the house by myself to being too scared to go to the toilet alone. It’s different everyday. Some days i walk down the street with a smile, thinking that I’m the next Beyonce and that everyone fancies me (thats probably the BPD) and other days i can’t even look up or hold back the tears.

I never really thought i did anything to help my anxiety, until recently i was out with work and one of the girls said to me “whats with the hair bobble?” and it was then i realised i had a hair bobble wrapped around my fingers. I always always alllllways have a hair bobble on my wrist and it wasn’t until that night that i realised i had been using this as a way to distract myself (without even knowing i was doing it?) weird.

Since then, i have seen many different ideas that i’ve thought about trying, but never have. I did actually join a gym, that really really helps but sometimes even just the walk to the gym makes me feel sick at the thought. Like i said, it’s different every day.

One idea i did try and that has stuck with me is healing stones. I bought two beautiful healing stones when i was in manchester and i keep them in my coat pocket with me at all times.. If i feel anxious or nervous i get them out and just hold one in each hand, whilst walking or doing whatever i’m doing. This calms me down a little and distracts my mind. I love my little stones!

Anxiety is so underrated, people do not understand the pain we go through everyday to even get out of bed, go outside or speak to people. If you’re struggling please don’t hesitate to reach out for help, there’s so many people around you that love you. My DM’s are always open on twitter.

Thanks for reading, Jessie x