BPD & Relationships continued..

Following on from my previous post, I thought i would now explain how i handle friendships and BPD.

This is the one thing i’ve always struggled with, as i get extremely jealous.

I only have a small circle of friends, who all know i struggle with mental health issues. I am very lucky to have such supportive friends.

It takes me a long time to become friends with someone, i have to work them out first and see what type of personality they have. It takes me a few months to open up but when i do, i would say that i am a good friend although i am brutally honest!

I am a very jealous person when it comes to friendships, this is a huge issue that i’m trying to work through, but can’t seem to get past. If i get left out or I see my friends out with other friends, I get very upset and this causes me to split on my friends and isolate myself for a few weeks, make no contact with them and basically drop them from my life for a few weeks until I’m over it.

I’ve currently come out of a friend group, as it was too much for me. There was four of us in the group and i really struggled when they would make plans when i wasn’t around or do things without me. I would get so jealous, it hurt me.

I think part of this jealousy is definitely my huge fear of being abandoned. As soon as i see a sign of being forgotten or left out, I drop off the face of the earth, so that i have the power.

When i was in high school, I was in a friendship group, there was four of us. When i became mentally unwell around the age of 14, they just moved on without me. I used to have to watch them having fun and doing everything without me, right under my nose. This was so so painful and i think this is why my jealousy gets so bad now, because i don’t ever want to go through that again.

I think it’s hard when people don’t think the way you do or feel everything as intensely as you do. Feeling abandoned and alone are the most painful feelings for me.

My Mental Health vs My Weight

I have ALWAYS struggled with my body image.

In 2015 I lost 2st 4lbs and I was my healthiest and since then I have balanced between a healthy weight for my height and age, I am currently 2st 6lbs heavier than 2015 and I hate it.

I am so so soooo uncomfortable in my own skin today. I say “today” because yesterday I looked in the mirror and thought “hell yeahhhh I am owning chunky yet funky” thank u BPD. However today, I am crawling with anger, I am so numb for letting myself get so big.

But what will I do to make myself feel better? Binge. Binge. Binge. This is my biggest problem. I feel like my whole life revolves around the next item of food to go in my mouth.

Plus the fact that I am wheat and cows milk intolerant yet still have both on a daily basis and then can’t get out of bed in the morning!

I don’t even know where to start, I feel like I’m too ashamed to go back to the gym yet because of what people will say.

It’s a vicious circle.

Grandparents are precious

So last night, i had a phone call off my dad to say that my Nan has passed away. Big tears immediately came as well as the feeling of my heart being crushed. I tried to stay strong on the phone, but the second I got off, I broke.

For the last year, I’ve been saying “I need to go over to Ireland to see Lal (my Nan)” but I’ve never booked it. The regret I feel today, hurts so so much. I urge all of you with grandparents/older family members or friends to go see them. You don’t know when your last time with them will be.

The guilt and regret I am feeling today for not going over to see her one last time is terribly painful. My heart is so empty and I feel so numb. I am really kicking myself. You don’t realise how precious time is, until it runs out. You never think it will, but the harsh reality is, that it does and it hurts like hell. So seriously, pick up the phone. Ring your loved ones. Tell them you love them. Go see them.

What would you say to your 14 year old self?

I would tell my 14 year old self that your first love will hurt like hell. That it won’t be forever and as painful as it will be when it’s over, It’ll shape you into the person you are today. Don’t focus on that boy, focus on bettering yourself for the future and please please get your head down at school. Don’t follow the wrong crowd just to fit in, do your exams and look for the future.

Mum and Dad will be hard on you and strict, but it’s for the best. They know you more than anyone, they know and want what’s best for you.

Be strong. Be really strong. You will get hurt, get bullied and lose people close to you, you will grieve but everything will be ok. Get through it. Keep going. You are so young, your heart won’t always hurt like it does now.

Eat. Seriously, no restricting and stop lying to Mum & Dad about skipping meals. You don’t need to do this to yourself, you’re fine the way you are.

Don’t try too hard to make friends and be in with certain people, once you leave high school, everything changes. You realise the people you went to school with, your best friends, were only friends because you seen each other everyday. You will feel sad and lonely when you realise this, but there are so many amazing people about to walk into your life.

Just remember, you’re so young and naive, enjoy your teenage years, before you know it you’ll have to think about your future.

Dealing with Anxiety

Hi guys! If you’re reading this, thank you!

So, for years and years i have struggled with anxiety but recently i have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to help myself grow. Anxiety is one of the most painful, crushing things to deal with, as I’m sure a lot of you know. It’s almost like you have to deal with it head on, to ever slightly move past it.

My anxiety ranges from not being able to leave the house by myself to being too scared to go to the toilet alone. It’s different everyday. Some days i walk down the street with a smile, thinking that I’m the next Beyonce and that everyone fancies me (thats probably the BPD) and other days i can’t even look up or hold back the tears.

I never really thought i did anything to help my anxiety, until recently i was out with work and one of the girls said to me “whats with the hair bobble?” and it was then i realised i had a hair bobble wrapped around my fingers. I always always alllllways have a hair bobble on my wrist and it wasn’t until that night that i realised i had been using this as a way to distract myself (without even knowing i was doing it?) weird.

Since then, i have seen many different ideas that i’ve thought about trying, but never have. I did actually join a gym, that really really helps but sometimes even just the walk to the gym makes me feel sick at the thought. Like i said, it’s different every day.

One idea i did try and that has stuck with me is healing stones. I bought two beautiful healing stones when i was in manchester and i keep them in my coat pocket with me at all times.. If i feel anxious or nervous i get them out and just hold one in each hand, whilst walking or doing whatever i’m doing. This calms me down a little and distracts my mind. I love my little stones!

Anxiety is so underrated, people do not understand the pain we go through everyday to even get out of bed, go outside or speak to people. If you’re struggling please don’t hesitate to reach out for help, there’s so many people around you that love you. My DM’s are always open on twitter.

Thanks for reading, Jessie x