Isolation

Feeling alone.

For me, feeling alone is the worst. It causes me to isolate myself even more and distance myself from everyone for days or even weeks.

I am currently feeling this way as I asked all the girls from work if they wanted to come around tonight and no one has decided to. This really hurts my feelings because I know they’ll all go out or something similar, but they can’t find the time to spend time with me. I think this is also hard because I give everything to my friends, I would drop everything for them, but it’s not the same for me.

So I’m now feeling extremely worthless and anxious, like they’re all out without me. Talking about me. Laughing about me.

I’m sat in my flat in my pyjamas, thinking about my weight and where my life is going.

I’ll probably now spend the rest of the night on the sofa drinking alone or scrubbing the flat from top to bottom. My partner will come home later and I’ll lash out and take it all out on him too. So predictable 🙌🏼

Sundays

Hi guys, sorry I haven’t put a post up in over a week I have been so busy at work and one of the girls I look after (have for over a year, everyday 8-4) is moving to Ireland to live, so today was my last day with her. My heart physically hurts to let her go, it never gets easier.

So.. Sunday is my favourite day. Why? Because it is a day of rest. Sunday for me is a day where I have freedom from things to do! Sundays for me include a nice walk, lunch somewhere or even just staying on the sofa watching TV. I personally really struggle with watching TV on a Saturday (sounds bizarre) but I feel guilty like I shouldn’t be resting, I should be busy. Sundays however, I don’t feel much guilt.

This Sunday just gone, me and my partner were both hungover and had such a hilarious day. Unfortunately for me, my BPD is at its worst when I am hungover, so I had a few moments, but I dealt with them a lot better than usual.

Also.. I love the name Sunday for a baby girl! Super cute 🙂 this is a really random post, peace out ✌🏻

Me, myself and I

So, i thought i’d do my next blog post with just a little background information about me! If this is the first blog post of mine that you’re reading then, hi! I’m Jessie.

I live on the Isle Of Man which is an island in the middle of the irish sea. I have lived here all my life and i think i always will live here. If you haven’t heard of the Isle Of Man, it’s a beautiful place, very scenic and very safe. My name is Jessica, but i usually go by Jessie (or Jess, but i’m not a massive fan). I’m 23 years old!

Up until March last year i had always lived in the same house, Me and my boyfriend (been together since 2015) moved from my mums house to a two bed flat last march!

I have a brother, who’s 18 and he has Autism and ADHD. We have a love hate relationship and always have had.

My dad lives in Southport, he moved over there about 2 years ago, just after my parents got divorced. I had no idea they were going to get divorced, it came as such a shock. I was beyond heartbroken and it still hurts me to this day. I think going through all the pain of that, was so hard as i was 19 at the time, they’d always been there and suddenly it all ended. My dad was absolutely shattered by this and i was so so worried about him for a long time. He has mental health issues himself, so this really knocked him back.

So yeah, when my dad moved out, my boyfriend moved in to help my mum pay the mortgage. But due to the divorce, i hated my mum and really really struggled to live with her, so we eventually found a place of our own.

My job.. I work as a room leader in a nursery, so i supervise a team of 7 staff and basically make sure they’re doing their jobs! (and play with children of course) I really enjoy my job, it’s hard going sometimes but always worth it.

I don’t really have any hobbies if I’m honest, I enjoy going to the gym, blogging, i like taking photos with my camera. I have a beautiful little dog called Meatball, she lives with my mum as i wasn’t allowed to take her with me when i moved out. So me and my boyfriend go down every weekend and take her out! I’m sure if you follow me on twitter you would of already seen her!

So yeah, my life isn’t very exciting but i like it that way. I’d rather be in on the sofa watching tv or going for a walk rather than out clubbing or drinking. That’s just me! Thanks for reading 🙂

Dealing with Anxiety

Hi guys! If you’re reading this, thank you!

So, for years and years i have struggled with anxiety but recently i have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to help myself grow. Anxiety is one of the most painful, crushing things to deal with, as I’m sure a lot of you know. It’s almost like you have to deal with it head on, to ever slightly move past it.

My anxiety ranges from not being able to leave the house by myself to being too scared to go to the toilet alone. It’s different everyday. Some days i walk down the street with a smile, thinking that I’m the next Beyonce and that everyone fancies me (thats probably the BPD) and other days i can’t even look up or hold back the tears.

I never really thought i did anything to help my anxiety, until recently i was out with work and one of the girls said to me “whats with the hair bobble?” and it was then i realised i had a hair bobble wrapped around my fingers. I always always alllllways have a hair bobble on my wrist and it wasn’t until that night that i realised i had been using this as a way to distract myself (without even knowing i was doing it?) weird.

Since then, i have seen many different ideas that i’ve thought about trying, but never have. I did actually join a gym, that really really helps but sometimes even just the walk to the gym makes me feel sick at the thought. Like i said, it’s different every day.

One idea i did try and that has stuck with me is healing stones. I bought two beautiful healing stones when i was in manchester and i keep them in my coat pocket with me at all times.. If i feel anxious or nervous i get them out and just hold one in each hand, whilst walking or doing whatever i’m doing. This calms me down a little and distracts my mind. I love my little stones!

Anxiety is so underrated, people do not understand the pain we go through everyday to even get out of bed, go outside or speak to people. If you’re struggling please don’t hesitate to reach out for help, there’s so many people around you that love you. My DM’s are always open on twitter.

Thanks for reading, Jessie x

A little background info..

Hi guys! If you’re reading this.. thank you!

So, my name is Jessie and I’m 23 years old. I live on a beautiful little island in the middle of the irish sea!

I’ve always struggled with my mental health, since around the age of 14. I’ve never really been open about it, not until the last two years. This was fear of being judged and I’m always worried of being labelled as an attention seeker, especially when i am the complete opposite.

When i was 14, i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I didn’t understand it at all and was made to go to counselling, where i didn’t open up and lied about being ok so was therefor discharged from the mental health scheme. My mother never believed i was depressed, not even when i started self harming really bad. I was super addicted to self harming (I haven’t self harmed in years now, yay!) School was so hard for me, I was always bullied for being chunky and for being ‘weird’.. blah blah you know how it goes!

Anyway.. I’ve always had the weirdest most horrible mood swings, identity issues and almost felt like i didn’t have just one personality.. I couldn’t figure out what was going on inside my head, to make me switch and say such horrible things or react so badly. Then i came across Borderline Personality Disorder and i ticked every box. Off i went to my doctor and said “this is it! this is it! this is why i am the way i am..” to then get the reply of “You do fit the part. If i refer you to the mental health department, you’ll be waiting months, maybe over a year for just an appointment, let alone a diagnosis.” yep, let that sink in. Welcome to the Isle Of Man, where mental health support doesn’t exist.

So here i am, knowing that i have BPD but i’m unable to get any support. Just antidepressants/mood stabilisers thrown at me and told to get on with it.