Grandparents are precious

So last night, i had a phone call off my dad to say that my Nan has passed away. Big tears immediately came as well as the feeling of my heart being crushed. I tried to stay strong on the phone, but the second I got off, I broke.

For the last year, I’ve been saying “I need to go over to Ireland to see Lal (my Nan)” but I’ve never booked it. The regret I feel today, hurts so so much. I urge all of you with grandparents/older family members or friends to go see them. You don’t know when your last time with them will be.

The guilt and regret I am feeling today for not going over to see her one last time is terribly painful. My heart is so empty and I feel so numb. I am really kicking myself. You don’t realise how precious time is, until it runs out. You never think it will, but the harsh reality is, that it does and it hurts like hell. So seriously, pick up the phone. Ring your loved ones. Tell them you love them. Go see them.

What would you say to your 14 year old self?

I would tell my 14 year old self that your first love will hurt like hell. That it won’t be forever and as painful as it will be when it’s over, It’ll shape you into the person you are today. Don’t focus on that boy, focus on bettering yourself for the future and please please get your head down at school. Don’t follow the wrong crowd just to fit in, do your exams and look for the future.

Mum and Dad will be hard on you and strict, but it’s for the best. They know you more than anyone, they know and want what’s best for you.

Be strong. Be really strong. You will get hurt, get bullied and lose people close to you, you will grieve but everything will be ok. Get through it. Keep going. You are so young, your heart won’t always hurt like it does now.

Eat. Seriously, no restricting and stop lying to Mum & Dad about skipping meals. You don’t need to do this to yourself, you’re fine the way you are.

Don’t try too hard to make friends and be in with certain people, once you leave high school, everything changes. You realise the people you went to school with, your best friends, were only friends because you seen each other everyday. You will feel sad and lonely when you realise this, but there are so many amazing people about to walk into your life.

Just remember, you’re so young and naive, enjoy your teenage years, before you know it you’ll have to think about your future.

Mental health & Twitter

for me, social media both helps and triggers me.

I have two accounts on twitter, my normal one with my friends, celebrities and meme accounts etc on, this one i can’t be myself. I can’t share how i’m feeling. Isn’t that sad?

On my other twitter account (999drunk) I can completely be myself. I find this twitter account so helpful and everyone is so supportive. It’s so nice to have somewhere to sound off at when i’ve had a bad day.

The only thing is, it can be extremely triggering as well. I understand that some people do go through a hard time but seeing suicidal thoughts or self harm thoughts can be really triggering, not just for me. Also, I find myself getting jealous that I’m not able to make friends like some of the other people on there have. Makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong, am i not likeable? or i get the complete opposite way and think I’m untouchable and worshiped. I also struggle with making friends online as one minute i think i’ve found a friend for life and then i get extremely overwhelmed and can’t go on twitter for a day or two.. It’s hit and miss really!

Mental Health Meds – my view

Hi guys! If you’re reading this then, thank you!

I thought my next post would be on my views about taking medication for mental illness and my own personal journey with meds.

I started my first course of antidepressants when i was around 17, this was fluoxetine. If i’m completely honest i cannot remember back to the age of 17, but i do know that coming off them by going cold turkey was the worst idea I’ve ever had.

I came off Fluoxetine after about 8 months, as i thought i was well enough to survive without them, mostly because my family and friends didn’t agree with meds and went by the whole “you can’t just put a plaster on it.. you need to actually deal with your issues”

Anyway, i ended up back at the doctors as i was extremely suicidal and low. I was put on Sertraline to help my low moods and PTSD (thats another blog post to come..) Anyway, i went on Sertraline and i began to see a slight improvement, after getting worse for the first few weeks. I continued taking Sertraline until about 4 months after getting into a serious relationship, this also because his views on meds weren’t great, he didn’t really understand. So, cold turkey again! Thought i would of learnt the first time around..

After coming off Sertaline by myself, it was a horrible horrible time of my life. I was having mental breakdowns at least once a week, panic attacks at night time and I just couldn’t get out of bed and i was losing all my friends. This went on for two and a half years.. two and a half fucking years. I tried meditation, journaling, you name it. But i just wasn’t getting any better. It got to the point where i was having mental breakdowns nearly daily and i thought – fuck this! Get me to the doctors ASAP.

I called my workplace and said I was in a bad way and needed to go to the doctors so i wouldn’t be in. I went to the doctors and explained everything that had been happening and he was surprised i’d survived! So i said Hi to sertraline again and took a full week off work to rest and get my body used to it. (i was so spaced out and drowsy!) I fully opened up to my friends about how much i had been struggling and they were all so supportive and still are now.

So here i am now, I have been back on meds for 4 months and i feel so much better. I honestly don’t think i would be alive now, if i hadn’t of gone to the doctors when i did. I am GRATEFUL for medication and i am not ASHAMED or EMBARRASSED to be taking meds to help me enjoy my life more than i did.

Isolation

Feeling alone.

For me, feeling alone is the worst. It causes me to isolate myself even more and distance myself from everyone for days or even weeks.

I am currently feeling this way as I asked all the girls from work if they wanted to come around tonight and no one has decided to. This really hurts my feelings because I know they’ll all go out or something similar, but they can’t find the time to spend time with me. I think this is also hard because I give everything to my friends, I would drop everything for them, but it’s not the same for me.

So I’m now feeling extremely worthless and anxious, like they’re all out without me. Talking about me. Laughing about me.

I’m sat in my flat in my pyjamas, thinking about my weight and where my life is going.

I’ll probably now spend the rest of the night on the sofa drinking alone or scrubbing the flat from top to bottom. My partner will come home later and I’ll lash out and take it all out on him too. So predictable 🙌🏼

Sundays

Hi guys, sorry I haven’t put a post up in over a week I have been so busy at work and one of the girls I look after (have for over a year, everyday 8-4) is moving to Ireland to live, so today was my last day with her. My heart physically hurts to let her go, it never gets easier.

So.. Sunday is my favourite day. Why? Because it is a day of rest. Sunday for me is a day where I have freedom from things to do! Sundays for me include a nice walk, lunch somewhere or even just staying on the sofa watching TV. I personally really struggle with watching TV on a Saturday (sounds bizarre) but I feel guilty like I shouldn’t be resting, I should be busy. Sundays however, I don’t feel much guilt.

This Sunday just gone, me and my partner were both hungover and had such a hilarious day. Unfortunately for me, my BPD is at its worst when I am hungover, so I had a few moments, but I dealt with them a lot better than usual.

Also.. I love the name Sunday for a baby girl! Super cute 🙂 this is a really random post, peace out ✌🏻

Me, myself and I

So, i thought i’d do my next blog post with just a little background information about me! If this is the first blog post of mine that you’re reading then, hi! I’m Jessie.

I live on the Isle Of Man which is an island in the middle of the irish sea. I have lived here all my life and i think i always will live here. If you haven’t heard of the Isle Of Man, it’s a beautiful place, very scenic and very safe. My name is Jessica, but i usually go by Jessie (or Jess, but i’m not a massive fan). I’m 23 years old!

Up until March last year i had always lived in the same house, Me and my boyfriend (been together since 2015) moved from my mums house to a two bed flat last march!

I have a brother, who’s 18 and he has Autism and ADHD. We have a love hate relationship and always have had.

My dad lives in Southport, he moved over there about 2 years ago, just after my parents got divorced. I had no idea they were going to get divorced, it came as such a shock. I was beyond heartbroken and it still hurts me to this day. I think going through all the pain of that, was so hard as i was 19 at the time, they’d always been there and suddenly it all ended. My dad was absolutely shattered by this and i was so so worried about him for a long time. He has mental health issues himself, so this really knocked him back.

So yeah, when my dad moved out, my boyfriend moved in to help my mum pay the mortgage. But due to the divorce, i hated my mum and really really struggled to live with her, so we eventually found a place of our own.

My job.. I work as a room leader in a nursery, so i supervise a team of 7 staff and basically make sure they’re doing their jobs! (and play with children of course) I really enjoy my job, it’s hard going sometimes but always worth it.

I don’t really have any hobbies if I’m honest, I enjoy going to the gym, blogging, i like taking photos with my camera. I have a beautiful little dog called Meatball, she lives with my mum as i wasn’t allowed to take her with me when i moved out. So me and my boyfriend go down every weekend and take her out! I’m sure if you follow me on twitter you would of already seen her!

So yeah, my life isn’t very exciting but i like it that way. I’d rather be in on the sofa watching tv or going for a walk rather than out clubbing or drinking. That’s just me! Thanks for reading 🙂