BPD & Relationships continued..

Following on from my previous post, I thought i would now explain how i handle friendships and BPD.

This is the one thing i’ve always struggled with, as i get extremely jealous.

I only have a small circle of friends, who all know i struggle with mental health issues. I am very lucky to have such supportive friends.

It takes me a long time to become friends with someone, i have to work them out first and see what type of personality they have. It takes me a few months to open up but when i do, i would say that i am a good friend although i am brutally honest!

I am a very jealous person when it comes to friendships, this is a huge issue that i’m trying to work through, but can’t seem to get past. If i get left out or I see my friends out with other friends, I get very upset and this causes me to split on my friends and isolate myself for a few weeks, make no contact with them and basically drop them from my life for a few weeks until I’m over it.

I’ve currently come out of a friend group, as it was too much for me. There was four of us in the group and i really struggled when they would make plans when i wasn’t around or do things without me. I would get so jealous, it hurt me.

I think part of this jealousy is definitely my huge fear of being abandoned. As soon as i see a sign of being forgotten or left out, I drop off the face of the earth, so that i have the power.

When i was in high school, I was in a friendship group, there was four of us. When i became mentally unwell around the age of 14, they just moved on without me. I used to have to watch them having fun and doing everything without me, right under my nose. This was so so painful and i think this is why my jealousy gets so bad now, because i don’t ever want to go through that again.

I think it’s hard when people don’t think the way you do or feel everything as intensely as you do. Feeling abandoned and alone are the most painful feelings for me.

Relationships and BPD

Relationships can be extremely hard to maintain when suffering with BPD, I thought I would share my experience.

I am in a 4 year relationship, it’s gotten a lot easier with time. It was super hard at the start, getting used to having someone else have hold of your feelings and the ups and downs. Pulling someone else into your world is hard too. I would say the first year was terrible, a lot of extremes from one to another, bad bad jealousy. I used to cry and scream when he went on nights out or even out with friends. I just felt so unsafe. One minute I was all over him, the next I was questioning whether I even liked him. Date nights were hard, I didn’t like going out in public and would get extremely anxious around his family and friends too. He didn’t understand my Suicidal thoughts and self harming in the slightest.

Trying to explain Borderline Personality Disorder to someone who has no idea even how anxiety feels is so so hard. It takes months to understand. I can’t even imagine what he dealt with at the start.

Once he began to understand and I fell in love with him, I decided I didn’t need meds anymore. I went cold turkey off Sertraline. It was horrendous. When he went out with friends, he used to have to come home early because I was suicidal or having panic attacks. Going back on Sertraline was the best decision I’ve ever made. I wouldn’t be here right now.

Once I was back on Sertraline, our relationship became better than ever. We took a holiday to Benidorm and we had so much fun! We went out drinking, I wasn’t too anxious to leave the hotel, it changed us, that holiday. We had so much fun together, we became best friends. Don’t get me wrong – I still have very bad days, but he’s there by my side every step of the way.

Little people give me hope

Some people think I’m crazy as I work full time whilst battling with my own brain. But the truth is, I couldn’t live without my job.

I work 40 hours a week Monday to Friday in a nursery as a supervisor. I’ve worked full time since I was 17 years old, it’s just the way I’ve been brought up.

I personally have to work full time to cover my rent, bills and life. There is no way I could cut my hours down and because of my title and responsibility at work, this is also not an option.

So, I manage a team of 8 ladies between the age of 18 and 62.. we look after children between the age of 2- preschool, we can take up to 49 children a day.. it’s hard work. It’s also extremely hard to try and control and manage 8 ladies.. it’s bitchy and can be a little like being back in high school.

The one thing I really struggle with most about working full time is getting up in the morning, especially if I’ve had a bad night. But at the same time, my job gives me purpose and seeing all those lil faces in the morning keeps me going.

Unfortunately, my managers aren’t very supportive of my mental health, they know I suffer from bad anxiety but that is all they know. I will keep it this way as it’s easier than trying to explain something that they would not understand.

Day to day, everything is different. I am a completely different person at work to what I am when I leave work. At work I am confident, I am silly, I am ok. But being all those things at work does have an affect on my life at home, as I hold everything in at work and then let it all out at home.

But, as my title says, little people give me hope.

The light at the end of a bad week

So, if you follow me on Twitter you will know that I haven’t had a great week.

I’ve been feeling very angry and upset about my past, causing me to be negative and reckless at work and at home. I phoned the doctors to see about maybe finally trying therapy (I’ve been once when I was 14 but struggled to speak) and guess what?! Earliest appointment available was in 3 weeks time.. so my anxiety is through the roof about that as it’s a random doctor too, not my usual.

I’ve had a hard week, thinking about numerous memories and I’ve felt very triggered throughout. I’ve also had bad flu symptoms including chills, fever & nausea, I’ve been sleeping a lot. I think because I suffer worse in the winter (Seasonal Affective Disorder), this causes me to panic when the weather begins to change, because I know what’s coming. I know the anxiety will come worse and the mood swings, the reckless behaviour and spending. The funny thing is that I’m actually healthier and more active in the winter than I am in the summer! Bizarre I know.. But I’m not complaining as that will help me hugely..

So yeah, GYM. I think it’s finally time to go back this week, with me working 8-4:30 it’s easier as I can get there about 4:45pm and it’s fairly quiet.. so wish me luck! I am nervous as I’ve put a lot of weight on and I know it will take time to get back into it.

He ruined my life.

My life was never the same after a night in the summer of 2013. I was locked in a house to be raped, I was fed stories of how I was going to be taken on a plane to move to turkey, I would mother his children (who were my god daughters) and I would never return. I was forced to sit on his lap, I was told what was going to happen to me.

He locked the door. I was locked in his house.

Luckily enough I managed to escape and I ran home before anything extremely damaging was done. But it doesn’t mean I wasn’t damaged. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared of the dark. It doesn’t mean I can be home alone.

He turned up at my house the next day demanding to see me, he rang me, he text me. He lived down the fucking road. His children were my god daughters, his girlfriend was my best friend.

The worst part of all – I still see him. I still see him in the street, I still hear about him.

I think maybe it’s time I finally spoke about this, time I finally reached out for help. He ruined my life.

Motivational moments

I’m currently sat on the boat on my way to Liverpool, to then travel down to Stoke for a wedding.

I’m sat in the window seat, looking out at sea whilst thinking that I’m ready to change my life.

I’m ready to eat better, to get back to training at the gym, to try out a new hobby, to settle down.

But funnily enough, I have these thoughts and random splurges of motivation about twice a month, yet I wake up the next day and I am no longer motivated. Anyone else?

I wish I could actually go through with it, but I seem to tell myself that I’ll try again on Monday but then I just continue to push it back a week later.. and it’s still happening now.

My Mental Health vs My Weight

I have ALWAYS struggled with my body image.

In 2015 I lost 2st 4lbs and I was my healthiest and since then I have balanced between a healthy weight for my height and age, I am currently 2st 6lbs heavier than 2015 and I hate it.

I am so so soooo uncomfortable in my own skin today. I say “today” because yesterday I looked in the mirror and thought “hell yeahhhh I am owning chunky yet funky” thank u BPD. However today, I am crawling with anger, I am so numb for letting myself get so big.

But what will I do to make myself feel better? Binge. Binge. Binge. This is my biggest problem. I feel like my whole life revolves around the next item of food to go in my mouth.

Plus the fact that I am wheat and cows milk intolerant yet still have both on a daily basis and then can’t get out of bed in the morning!

I don’t even know where to start, I feel like I’m too ashamed to go back to the gym yet because of what people will say.

It’s a vicious circle.