He ruined my life.

My life was never the same after a night in the summer of 2013. I was locked in a house to be raped, I was fed stories of how I was going to be taken on a plane to move to turkey, I would mother his children (who were my god daughters) and I would never return. I was forced to sit on his lap, I was told what was going to happen to me.

He locked the door. I was locked in his house.

Luckily enough I managed to escape and I ran home before anything extremely damaging was done. But it doesn’t mean I wasn’t damaged. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared of the dark. It doesn’t mean I can be home alone.

He turned up at my house the next day demanding to see me, he rang me, he text me. He lived down the fucking road. His children were my god daughters, his girlfriend was my best friend.

The worst part of all – I still see him. I still see him in the street, I still hear about him.

I think maybe it’s time I finally spoke about this, time I finally reached out for help. He ruined my life.

Motivational moments

I’m currently sat on the boat on my way to Liverpool, to then travel down to Stoke for a wedding.

I’m sat in the window seat, looking out at sea whilst thinking that I’m ready to change my life.

I’m ready to eat better, to get back to training at the gym, to try out a new hobby, to settle down.

But funnily enough, I have these thoughts and random splurges of motivation about twice a month, yet I wake up the next day and I am no longer motivated. Anyone else?

I wish I could actually go through with it, but I seem to tell myself that I’ll try again on Monday but then I just continue to push it back a week later.. and it’s still happening now.

My Mental Health vs My Weight

I have ALWAYS struggled with my body image.

In 2015 I lost 2st 4lbs and I was my healthiest and since then I have balanced between a healthy weight for my height and age, I am currently 2st 6lbs heavier than 2015 and I hate it.

I am so so soooo uncomfortable in my own skin today. I say “today” because yesterday I looked in the mirror and thought “hell yeahhhh I am owning chunky yet funky” thank u BPD. However today, I am crawling with anger, I am so numb for letting myself get so big.

But what will I do to make myself feel better? Binge. Binge. Binge. This is my biggest problem. I feel like my whole life revolves around the next item of food to go in my mouth.

Plus the fact that I am wheat and cows milk intolerant yet still have both on a daily basis and then can’t get out of bed in the morning!

I don’t even know where to start, I feel like I’m too ashamed to go back to the gym yet because of what people will say.

It’s a vicious circle.

Grandparents are precious

So last night, i had a phone call off my dad to say that my Nan has passed away. Big tears immediately came as well as the feeling of my heart being crushed. I tried to stay strong on the phone, but the second I got off, I broke.

For the last year, I’ve been saying “I need to go over to Ireland to see Lal (my Nan)” but I’ve never booked it. The regret I feel today, hurts so so much. I urge all of you with grandparents/older family members or friends to go see them. You don’t know when your last time with them will be.

The guilt and regret I am feeling today for not going over to see her one last time is terribly painful. My heart is so empty and I feel so numb. I am really kicking myself. You don’t realise how precious time is, until it runs out. You never think it will, but the harsh reality is, that it does and it hurts like hell. So seriously, pick up the phone. Ring your loved ones. Tell them you love them. Go see them.

What would you say to your 14 year old self?

I would tell my 14 year old self that your first love will hurt like hell. That it won’t be forever and as painful as it will be when it’s over, It’ll shape you into the person you are today. Don’t focus on that boy, focus on bettering yourself for the future and please please get your head down at school. Don’t follow the wrong crowd just to fit in, do your exams and look for the future.

Mum and Dad will be hard on you and strict, but it’s for the best. They know you more than anyone, they know and want what’s best for you.

Be strong. Be really strong. You will get hurt, get bullied and lose people close to you, you will grieve but everything will be ok. Get through it. Keep going. You are so young, your heart won’t always hurt like it does now.

Eat. Seriously, no restricting and stop lying to Mum & Dad about skipping meals. You don’t need to do this to yourself, you’re fine the way you are.

Don’t try too hard to make friends and be in with certain people, once you leave high school, everything changes. You realise the people you went to school with, your best friends, were only friends because you seen each other everyday. You will feel sad and lonely when you realise this, but there are so many amazing people about to walk into your life.

Just remember, you’re so young and naive, enjoy your teenage years, before you know it you’ll have to think about your future.

Mental health & Twitter

for me, social media both helps and triggers me.

I have two accounts on twitter, my normal one with my friends, celebrities and meme accounts etc on, this one i can’t be myself. I can’t share how i’m feeling. Isn’t that sad?

On my other twitter account (999drunk) I can completely be myself. I find this twitter account so helpful and everyone is so supportive. It’s so nice to have somewhere to sound off at when i’ve had a bad day.

The only thing is, it can be extremely triggering as well. I understand that some people do go through a hard time but seeing suicidal thoughts or self harm thoughts can be really triggering, not just for me. Also, I find myself getting jealous that I’m not able to make friends like some of the other people on there have. Makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong, am i not likeable? or i get the complete opposite way and think I’m untouchable and worshiped. I also struggle with making friends online as one minute i think i’ve found a friend for life and then i get extremely overwhelmed and can’t go on twitter for a day or two.. It’s hit and miss really!

Mental Health Meds – my view

Hi guys! If you’re reading this then, thank you!

I thought my next post would be on my views about taking medication for mental illness and my own personal journey with meds.

I started my first course of antidepressants when i was around 17, this was fluoxetine. If i’m completely honest i cannot remember back to the age of 17, but i do know that coming off them by going cold turkey was the worst idea I’ve ever had.

I came off Fluoxetine after about 8 months, as i thought i was well enough to survive without them, mostly because my family and friends didn’t agree with meds and went by the whole “you can’t just put a plaster on it.. you need to actually deal with your issues”

Anyway, i ended up back at the doctors as i was extremely suicidal and low. I was put on Sertraline to help my low moods and PTSD (thats another blog post to come..) Anyway, i went on Sertraline and i began to see a slight improvement, after getting worse for the first few weeks. I continued taking Sertraline until about 4 months after getting into a serious relationship, this also because his views on meds weren’t great, he didn’t really understand. So, cold turkey again! Thought i would of learnt the first time around..

After coming off Sertaline by myself, it was a horrible horrible time of my life. I was having mental breakdowns at least once a week, panic attacks at night time and I just couldn’t get out of bed and i was losing all my friends. This went on for two and a half years.. two and a half fucking years. I tried meditation, journaling, you name it. But i just wasn’t getting any better. It got to the point where i was having mental breakdowns nearly daily and i thought – fuck this! Get me to the doctors ASAP.

I called my workplace and said I was in a bad way and needed to go to the doctors so i wouldn’t be in. I went to the doctors and explained everything that had been happening and he was surprised i’d survived! So i said Hi to sertraline again and took a full week off work to rest and get my body used to it. (i was so spaced out and drowsy!) I fully opened up to my friends about how much i had been struggling and they were all so supportive and still are now.

So here i am now, I have been back on meds for 4 months and i feel so much better. I honestly don’t think i would be alive now, if i hadn’t of gone to the doctors when i did. I am GRATEFUL for medication and i am not ASHAMED or EMBARRASSED to be taking meds to help me enjoy my life more than i did.